The Worlds Heartbreaking Beauty

words, pictures, poetry and recipe

I’ve struggled to write these past weeks. Not just this substack, but everything and anything. In the span of a week this past March, I lost a beautiful friend to a senseless hit by an inattentive driver, my beloved dog of the last 10 years to rapid onset dementia and three chickens to natures fury. I felt frozen in place, watching the world go by like a silent film with occasional title cards telling me time had past. The heart already feels heavy this past year with multiple wars in the world, and so many vulnerable people suffering. Everything weighs heavier on me as I am 38 weeks pregnant and I imagine the world that is gifted to each new life. I feel the familiar sensations of grief fill the space around me, flowing into everything and swelling surroundings. Grief is the hardest gift to share with my child, I have such a hard time holding it myself. I want to be better with grief, even friends with grief. I’ve known grief most of my life from separations, to deaths of parents and friends all too young.

I know grief is the cousin of love. She comes to remind me of all the places love once was, her presence holds emptiness and shadows but makes me feel such intensity. It steals the breath from me, and chokes my words in my throat. Words make things so real. And this always feels too big to share. In truth, it is comforting when grief arrives. I am flooded with memories briefly forgotten, more vivid and more cherished. Voices, sparkling eyes, laughter, hands clasped together in rainstorms, everything becomes sharp and sweet. Everything becomes a way to hold on to love longer. I am frightened and grateful to grief always in equal parts. The worst part of grief for me is knowing her bright fire will fade, and I will have to let go of this too. All things fade into a quiet, a collection of moments for only the heart to visit from time to time in the future.

I know the quiet has come when words come back. When I am able to name it, and I can share it. Even now, I shy away from burdening a community I hope to always bring joy, beauty and wonder with talk of the darker elements of our brief beautiful lives. It’s a high bar to only be happy and perhaps does you a disservice to not know the whole? I want to thank you for being here with me. And I want to send you love and grace if you are in grief. Perhaps it can be made easier with rainbows you can eat? This is one way I have been coping and reminding myself of all the powerful magic we possess to make the world more beautiful in small ways. Recipe for simple Almond Rainbow Cookies (Gluten Free) for Paid Subscribers below.

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Recent Media: World Eats: Bread will premier starting this Sunday June 2 on National Geographic. This four part series celebrates bread across the world and I am honored to be a featured expert in it. Tune in every Sunday or stream all of them June 3rd on Disney Plus and Hulu.

Recent Podcasts: We’ve been rolling episodes out every week over at Kitchen Tape Podcast with incredible guests from bakers, NA Sober Event Planners, Food Stylist, Jello influencers and more. Come for the exploration of roles in food, stay for all the laughter and hot takes. There are 13 great episodes to fill your drive, run or workday with.

Obsessed with: This whole pregnancy has been about simple food. I have been eating mostly seafood, nut butters and my weight in dairy. My current obsession a souped up peanut butter and jam sandwich. Start with a soft whole wheat sourdough sandwich bread with whole churned peanut butter, drizzled heavily with Get Graza olive oil, and sprinkled with flakey sea salt. You other slices should get heaps of jam, preferably chunky. I used homemade strawberry basil. THIS HITS DIFFERENT. I truly believe the olive oil represents a break through in PB&J technology. TRUST. For ages 3+

Reading: Flavorama by Arielle Johnson. This new cookbook is less recipes and more playful deep dive into the science and wonder of flavor. Arielle previously led fermenting and flavor discoveries with NOMA in Copenhagen. She’s a very approachable writer, the numerous illustrations are informative and fun, and the information is easily applied. Get this book if you like nerding out about food or you’ve ever asked yourself why food tastes so good.

Listening to: Chappell Roan on constant rotation.

Crushing:  Recoup Prebiotic Sparkling Beverage. I’ve become very obsessed with these gut healthy and juice based “sodas”. They are really delicious and have a slight carbonation to them. I’ve been drinking them to not get dehyrated, as being pregnant has been adequately compared to running a marathon every day. Basically a Gatorade like beverage that doesn’t make me want to gag. Very yum.

Inspired by: I had the chance to interview Nathan Myhrvold the founder of Modernist Cuisine (and so much more!) for my ongoing article series with edibleLA on Food Futurists. A rare jolly genius attempting to help the world and follow his passions. Read more here.

Just for Fun: This raspberry buffet.

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Almond Rainbow Cookies (Gluten Free)

Makes three half sheet colored cakes to form one half sheet tray of Rainbow Cookies.